But first, a disclaimer: I do not claim to be a faultless writer, so don’t e-mail me if you find a typo or grammatical error in this rant. F%jf5hs/.,,. Look. There it is. Fuck off.

I hate shitty writers because I love writing. It is an art form brimming with potential, with endless possibilities. It has the power to make you laugh, to make you cry, to make you think. A good writer can make a reader go out to a concert or hit the streets and protest. A good writer can change the way you view life.

But for every brilliant writer, there are a hundred –– a thousand? –– shitty ones. Because, truth be told, it is very easy to be a writer. Mix up a mess of consonants with a handful of vowels, add a period, maybe even a comma, and BAM. I just wrote some shit; I’m a writer. This song is DOPE. Hey look, now I’m a critic too.

Writing, in more ways than one would probably think, is very much like rapping. For one thing, like I just said, it is very easy to do. Rapping is also very easy to do; in its most basic form, all you need is a table top and a vocal box. To write, all you need is a pen and paper. Got a computer? Even better. Got Internet access? Well now you’re ready for a fucking Pulitzer, aren’t you?

Because it is so easy to write, there is an over-saturated market –– just like the rap scene. For every Kool G. Rap, there are 100 D4Ls; for every F. Scott Fitzgerald there are 100 nameless, wack writers. (Most of them on the Internet. And yes, I’m aware that that was a fragment.) Blowing up as a writer or a rapper (or an actor, or singer, etc.), is the product of talent, preparation and opportunity. And as talented and prepared as one may be, an over-saturated market naturally decreases the chance of opportunity.

So what exactly is a wack writer? I shall tell you. A wack writer starts every interview with “So how did you guys get your name?” A wack writer says “Man this shit is dope” in an official album review. A wack writer writes himself into a story, secretly longing to be famous himself (cough NEIL STRAUSS cough). A wack writer says “comprised of.” A wack writer writes with no form or format, then flings a handful of commas at the paper, letting them stick where they may. A wack writer is 25 years old and still doesn’t know the difference between “their” and “there.” A wack writer doesn’t care about writing; he cares about being heard. If you are getting offended right now, you are probably That Writer.

Naivety is one thing. I was first published when I was 14 and that shit is far from brilliant. If I had a soul, I’d be embarrassed. But as I grew older, read more, wrote more and got a Journalism degree, I learned. I’m still learning. I hope I’ll always be learning. But when I see 20-to-30-year-old “writers” producing that kind of shit, unable to take criticism, with no desire to improve, it makes me want to drown myself in a bucket. Of bleach. With scorpions in it, that are immune to bleach, so they can claw out my eyes while I die.

Writing is a cathartic process, and if it helps you feel better, then by all means, write. Start a blog. Get a pen pal. But unless you really love writing, unless you really feel that you are saying something new, unless you are really committed to this art form, please don’t call yourself a writer. Please don’t go submitting pieces to SuperRapReviewz.com just because you can.

Like with rapping, it’s okay to just appreciate it for what it is.

P.S. It’s “comprises,” not “comprised of,” assholes.